Roughly Speaking

(Theme music plays. Audience cheers.)

Art: Thank you and welcome once again to "Roughly Speaking", the hot new game show where "almost doesn't just count in horseshoes and hand grenades" and where "close actually gets you a cigar". I'm your host Art Brewster. But enough about me, let's meet tonight's contestants.

Announcer: Our champion is a motorcycle repairman from Toledo, Ohio who is fascinated by shiny, metal objects -- meet Bob Hodges. (Bob runs out. Looks like a dufus. Applause.) And his challenger is a nuclear physicist from San Bernadino, California who, in her spare time, builds brains -- meet Maureen Lansing. (Applause. She walks out. Very intellectual looking.)

Art: So, Bob, you like shiny, metal objects?

Bob: Yeah, dat's right.

Art: Well, hey, I think we all like shiny objects. Right audience? (Audience cheers.) And Maureen, you enjoy building brains?

Maureen : That is correct, Arthur.

Art: Well, hey, I think we all like building brains. Right audience? (Audience cheers.) All right, I'll go over the rules in a few minutes, but right now let's go ahead and get started. The categories are History, Sports, Science, and Famous Quotations. Maureen, you get to start the game by picking a category.

Maureen: Art, I will begin by choosing History.

Art: The question is "When was the Declaration of Independence signed?" (Maureen buzzes in.) Maureen?

Maureen: That would be July 4, 1776.

Art: Oh, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Bob, do you know the answer?

Bob: Uh, how about the eighteenth century?

Art: That's right. You receive around $1OO. Bob, choose a category.

Bob: Uh, I know a lot about Sports, so I'll choose Science.

Art: All right, the question is "At what temperature Fahrenheit does water boil?" Maureen?

Maureen: Water boils at 212 degrees Fahrenheit at sea level.

Art: That's incorrect. Bob?

Bob: Uh, I'm going to say two-hundred and something degrees.

Art: That's right and now you've got two-hundred and something dollars. Which category do you want?

Bob: Let's stick with Science.

Art: OK, the question is "What is the name of the device used to precisely measure the length of small objects in a laboratory?" Maureen.

Maureen: That would be a micrometer.

Art: Ooooh, wrong again. Bob?

Bob: How about a ruler?

Art: That's right. Bob, you now have about $300. Right now, let's stop for a moment and go over the rules of "Roughly Speaking". To get the question right on our show, you just have to come close to the actual answer. In fact, if you give me the answer to the question exactly, you are penalized for "knowing too much". Let's recap the scores. Oh, boy - Maureen, it looks like you know a little bit too much for your own good because Bob has jumped out to a three-hundred and something to next-to-nothing lead. But don't worry, there's still time to catch up in round two. Maureen, you start us off.

Maureen: I'd like to try quotations.

Art: The question is "Neil Armstrong said these words when he first walked on the moon." Bob?

Bob: "One wimpy step for me, one really huge step for everybody else."

Art: That's right. Select a category.

Bob: I'd like, uh, History.

Art: All right. "This colorful American character ran for president under his own Bull-Moose party." Bob?

Bob: Uh, President Quayle?

Art: No, I'm sorry, that's not even close enough for our show. Maureen, you have a chance to take the money.

Maureen: That would be Theodore Roosevelt.

Art: (Pause.) Could you be a little less specific.

Maureen: Uh, Roosevelt?

Art: Ooooh, no. We were looking for Theodore. Maureen, you still have very little money. Select.

Maureen: Let's go back to quotations.

Art: OK. "Patrick Henry is most famous for saying this patriotic quote." Maureen?

Maureen: "Give me liberty, or gi- (Catching herself.) or kill me."

Art: That's right and, Maureen, you're finally on the board with close to $100. Select a category.

Maureen: Let's try Sports. (Right then, the alarm goes off.) Oh, I'm sorry but we won't get to that question. That's all the time we have. Let's check the scores - Maureen has about $100 and it looks like Bob remains our champion with approximately $400. But don't worry, Maureen, you'll receive some lovely parting gifts including the home version of Jeopardy because it's sort of like our show.

Maureen: I can't believe this show! It is an insult to anyone with an IQ higher than their shoe size. I'm outraged that this, this idiot comes away the winner while I get a lousy home game. I'm obviously smarter than all of you combined and I don't need to be humiliated on TV. GOOD-BYE! (She runs off and slams the door.)

Art: Well, la-dee-da! I guess if you can't stand the heat, you should get out of the frying pan. Right, Audience? (Audience cheers.) Well, Bob, you remain the champion and here's our announcer "Jack somebody" to tell you what you've won.

Announcer: Bob, for being today's lucky winner, we will fly you and a guest almost all the way to ... an island. There, you'll spend several days and nights doing ... fun things. It's a prize package worth somewhere between 100 and 5,000 dollars.

Art: What do you think of that, Bob?

Bob: Well, it's sort of like what I wanted to win.

Art: Great! Well, that's all for "Roughly speaking." Tune in tomorrow somewhere around 7:30 for another exciting show.

(Lights out.)