A Player to Be Named Later
(Coach and two players on the stage. Coach is adressing the players.)
Coach: All right. Sluggo. Willie. As captains of the New York Sculptors, you two will have a big responsibility. If we all work together, we should end up having pretty mediocre season. But I'm going to need your help. All right?
Sluggo/Willie: Sure, coach.
Coach: All right. Lets start with personel changes. We' ve traded Joe Swizzelhead.
Sluggo: (Surprised.) Joe Swizzelhead!?! But he was the best dresser on the team.
Coach: Yes. Yes he was. But he was never the same after the accident. That body cast sure made it difficult to slide into home. (Pause.) But we got a good trade for him.
Willie: Who'd we get, coach?
Coach: Well, we got Jim Kurzowski and a player to be named later.
Sluggo: A player to be named later?
Willie: You mean we have to name him?
Coach: We'll all work together on naming him.
Sluggo: Oh, great. I just can't understand these guys. They make it to the major leagues and they still don't have a name. They always want someone else to choose their name for them. Well, I think that that's something their parents should have done a long time ago.
Coach: All right. All right. I'm not happy about this either. But let's try to make the best of it. Shhhhh. Here come our new players now. (Kurzowski and ???? walk up.) Men, I would like to introduce the two newest Sculptors, Jim Kurzowski and (Pauses and kind of points to the new guy.)
Sluggo/Willie: Please to meet you. Welcome aboard. (etc.)
Coach: We're very glad to have you two on the team. Kurzowski!
Kurzowski: Yes sir.
Coach: Why don't you go practice sitting on the bench?
Kurzowski: Yes sir! (He goes over and sits on the bench.)
Coach: I think the first order of business should be to get you a name.
????: Oh, boy. A name!
Coach: All right. Are you left handed?
Coach: OK. We can scratch off Lefty. (Marks it off a list on his clipboard.) Hair color?
Coach: OK, that knocks out Whitey and Red.
(Ball girl walks in.)
Ball Girl: Hi, guys. I'm the ball girl so I brought you this ball. (Hands it to coach.)
Coach: Thanks, ball girl. I'd like you to meet one of our new players.
Ball Girl: Hi. My name is ball girl. What's yours?
Coach: He doesn't have a name. He's the player to be named later.
Ball Girl: Oh, that's too bad. Can I help name him?
Coach: Sure. We could use some help. (To ????.) Hey ...um... you. Why don't you go practice opening your locker and we'll come up with a name for you. Just look for the locker with the blank nameplate. (???? leaves.)
Ball Girl: I say we name him Fluffy.
Sluggo: I say we call him Eisenhouer.
Willie: Shut up.
Coach: Well, I don't know. He's not short enought to be Shorty. But he's not big enough to be Biggy.
Willie: How about Dracula?
Ball Girl: How about Snuggles?
Sluggo: What about Eisenhouer?!
Willie: SHUT UP!
Coach: Pudgy? No. Gumby? No. Slimy? No.
Willie: How about Atilla?
Ball Girl: Pooky?
Willie: Darth Vader!
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Coach: Grumpy. Sneezy. Dopey. No.
Ball Girl: Munchkin!
(???? walks in.)
????: Coach, I've finished practicing on my locker. I can open and close it real good.
Coach: Well, we still haven't come up with a good name. Have you got any suggestions?
????: Well, how about John? John Doe.
Everyone: (Mumbling.) John. John Doe. Hmmmmm. (etc.)
Coach: John Doe, huh? You know, that's a mighty interesting name. And it never even crossed my mind. All right, then, John Doe it is.
Everyone: Hooray! (Everyone runs off. Kurzowski is still sitting on the bench.)
Kurzowski: (Shouts.) Uh, coach, do I need to keep sitting on this bench? (No answer.) Oh well, practice makes perfect.