Those Wacky Dugermans
Episode 5: Jean's First Date
(George walks in the door after a hard day's work. What does he do? Who knows?)
George: Geeeeeeeeee, did I have a bad day at work?
Eileeen: How would I know dear? I wasn't there.
George: (Scratches his chin.) Oh yeah. Well, take my word for it. (Pause.) Geeeeeeeeee, honey, what's for dinner?
Eileeen: "The uuuuusual".
George: But I thought we had "the usual" last night.
Eileeen: Well, tonight, we're having "the usual" leftovers.
George: Well, I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I uuuuuuuusually do. (They both laugh.) Saaaaaaay, honey, where are the kids?
Eileeen: I haven't seen them.
George: Sure you have. They're the two short people that live in our house.
Eileeen: You're right, I have seen them ... but I don't where they are now. (Just then, Jean runs in and screams.)
Jean: Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! Mom! Dad! (She runs right past George and Eileeen.)
Eileeen: We're right, heeeeere, Jean.
Jean: Oh. (Turns around.) Guess what?
George: You died your hair to match your socks again.
Jean: (Like a games show.) I'm sorry, that's not the answer I'm looking for. Mom, I'll repeat the question for you and you'll have five seconds to think about your answer. The question is: Guess what? (Eileeen looks really nervous for five seconds.) I need an answer.
Eileeen: Uh, you broke a nail?
Jean: Oh, that's not right, either. My nails are strong and healthy. The correct response is: JP Fitzwalter is going to ask me out on a daaaaaaaaaaaate.
George: A daaaaaaaate?!? (He freezes in terror.)
Eileeen: That's really nice dear. But how do you know he is going to ask you?
Jean: Well, JP told Steve. Steve told Ron. Ron told Betty. Bety told Susie. Susie told Cathy. And then I read it in the school neeeeeeeeewspaper.
Eileeen: Well, Jean, your father and I are very excited for you. Aren't we dear? (Silence. George remains frozen. Ventriliquistically.) Yes, we aaaaaaaaare. (Herself.) By the way, have you seen your brother, Gene?
Jean: Yeah, he's the other short person that lives in our house ... but I don't know where he is now.
Eileeen: Oh, OK.
Jean: Well, I've got to go get ready. If JP calls, I'll be in my room.
Eileeen: Where will you be if he doesn't call?
Jean: In the kitchen. (She runs off.)
Eileeen: George. George! (He doesn't respond. She waves a Slim Jim under his nose. He comes to.)
George: Huh? What happened!?!
Eileeen: Well, you suddenly froze when Jean said she was going on a date.
George: A daaaaaaate?!? (He freezes in terror.)
Eileeen: (Waves the Slim Jim under George's nose. He comes to.) What's wrong with Jean going on a d ... a you-know-what?
George: Geeeeeeeee, honey, Jean isn't as old as we are.
Eileeen: That's truuuuuuue.
George: I'm just not sure she's ready to ... (Gene tries to sneak in.)
Eileeen: (She interrupts.) Young man, where have you been?
Gene: Well, I've been to Disney World, the Smithsonian, and last summer, the Grand Canyon.
Eileeen: I mean today.
Gene: Oh, well, I was at the library studying.
George: You expect us to buy that?
Eileeen: Well, all right. (She hands him a couple of dollars.)
Gene: Geeeeeee, thanks. You guys are almost as good a parents as Claire and Heathcliff Huxtable. (He leaves.)
George: Gene's a good boy. Now, where was I?
Eileeen: You were over by the chair.
George: Oh yeah. (Runs over by the chair and begins speaking again.) You see, if Jean goes on a d ... a you-know-what, then she'll probably go somewhere with a guuuuuuuuy.
Eileeen: But, deeeeeeeear, that's the whole point of a date.
George: Date. Shmate. I've got to think this one over. (He leaves.)
Eileeen: Oh, that George. He has such trouble thinking things over. (Gene runs in.)
Gene: Is it true?!? Is it true?!? Is Jean going on a date?
Eileeen: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Gene: Oh, don't be afraid, Mom. Dad probably won't even let Jean goooooooo.
Eileeen: Now, Gene, don't talk that way.
Gene: How about this way? (With a British accent.) Dad probably won't even let Jean gooooooooo.
Eileeen: That's better.
(Jean comes running in.)
Jean: Mom! Mom! JP asked me out for McNuggets. Do you think it will be all right with Dad?
Eileeen: I don't know. You better go ask him yourself. (Jean walks out.)
Gene: Wow! Chicken McNuggets! This thing is seeeeeeeeerious.
Jean: (Runs in.) Mom! Dad's gone! And all I found was this note.
Eileen: Should I read it?
George: (His voice is heard reading the letter.) Dear Dugermans. By the time you read this, I'll be dead. (They look on in shock.) Just kidding!! (They all laugh.) I've gone to the store to get some Cheeeeeeez Whiz.
Jean: But what about my date with JP?
George: And Jean, about your date with JP - I'll let you knooooow when I get back. Sincerely, George.
Jean: Oh, noooooo. (She sits down.) Now, all we can do is sit and wait.
Eileeen: That's not true, Jean. We can also stand and wait.
Gene: Or, we can dance and wait. (Does a wierd dance.)
Jean: Yeah, I guess you're right.
George: Hey, Dugermans, I'm back.
Jean: Dad, I could hardly wait for you to get back!
George: Oh, I know, here's the Cheeeeeeez Whiz. (He gives her the can.)
Gene: I think she's more interested in the d ... the you-know-what.
George: Oh, yeah. I guess you can gooooooooo.
Jean: Hooray! Hooray! (Just then the phone rings.)
Eileeen: What's that?
Gene: Geeeeee, Mom, it's the phone.
Jean: (Answers it.) Hello. JP!?! What's up? The sky? Ha ha ha. (All the Dugermans laught TOO long and TOO loud.) Well, I'm ready for McNuggets. What? (Disappointed.) No. (Pause.) No. (Pause.) No. (Excited.) Yeah!!! (Disappointed again.) No. (She hangs up.)
Eileeen: Well Jean, what did he saaaaaaay?
Jean: He can't go on the date.
George/Eileeen/Gene: Oh! Nooooooo.
Jean: Yeah, he unexpectedly lost his front teeth In a freak Pictionary accident. He won't be eating solid food for years.
George: Well, cheer up. We still have the Cheeeez Whiz.
Jean: (She cheers up.) All right!
George: Open up. (He starts to spray Cheez Whiz in her mouth.)
Gene: I'm next, Dad.
Definitely THE END