What's Behind Curtain #1?
(The scene opens with two young men arguing.)
John: Take it back, Jack!
Jack: No! I said it and I meant it! You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean!
John: That's not true! Irish Spring is just as good ... and it's got a clean, fresh scent.
Jack: It's not as good as Zest.
(By now they are hitting each other.)
John: Is too!
Jack: Is not!
John: Is too!
Jack: John, Irish Spring leaves a film, Zest doesn't. That's all there is to it.
John: Oh yeah?
(John lunges at Jack and throws him to the ground. Now they are wrestling. Their mother walks in.)
Mom: (Disgusted) Oh, no! You're not having another fight over soap, are you?
(John and Jack get up and dust themselves off. They seem kind of embarassed.)
John: Yes, we were. But he said some pretty mean things about Irish Spring.
Mom: Well, I'm sure he didn't mean them.
Jack: (Muttering) Yes I did.
Mom: Jack! You know how your brother likes Irish Spring and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't make fun of it.
Jack: Yes, mam.
Mom: That's better! Look at the two of you - fighting over soap. Always fighting over something. What was it last time? Pain relievers! And before that: paper towels!
John: But Mom! (Pulls a paper towel from his pocket.) Bounty is the quicker picker upper.
Jack: (Pulls out a paper towel.) Mr. Big is better.
John: Is not!
Mom: (Shouting.) Stop it! Both of you! What would your father say about all of this fighting if he were alive?
(Voice is heard from offstage.)
Father: Stop fighting, you morons!
(The others kind of look around as if something strange had happened.)
Jack: I guess you're right, Mom.
Mom: Of course I'm right. Mother knows best.
John: But on TV, "Father knows best."
Mom: Well, your father's not around anymore so now I know best! All right?
Jack/John: Yes, mam.
Mom: You two try to keep busy. I've got to polish these shoes.
John: But, Mom, what are we going to do if we don't fight?
Mom: Why don't you two go sit on the couch and watch TV?
John: OK. But it's not as much fun since it stopped working.
Mom: Complain. Complain. That's all you do is complain. What would your father say about all of this complaining?
Father: Stop complaining, you morons.
(Jack and John watch the broken TV for about ten seconds. They start laughing at the TV even though it's not working.)
Mom: See, it's not so bad, is it?
John: No, I guess not.
Jack: Hey, Mom, what's for supper?
Mom: (Irritated.) What's for supper? What's for supper? It seems like every night, you want supper. You know, we could save a lot of money if you two would just stop eating like I have!
John: But everyone else gets to eat supper.
Mom: If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?
John: No, I'd probably go eat supper.
Mom: Well, we're not eating supper tonight! Besides, what would your father say about all this eating?
Father: Stop eating, you morons!
(There is a knock at the door.)
Mom: Oh, just great! I knew that as soon as we put in that door, people would start knocking on it. (She walks up to door. Trying to be pleasant.) Who is it?
Jane: It's Jane Wurzehhurtz.
John/Jack: Jane Wurzenhurtz!!!!
(They get up and start combing their hair and applying deodorant.)
Mom: (Opens the door.) Hello, Jane.
Jane: Hi, Mrs. Burke. Hi John. Hi Jack.
John: (Pulls a flower out of a nearby vase. Rushes to her side.) Jane! Here's a beautiful flower for a beautiful girl. (Pulls a handful of M&M's out of a bowl.) And some sweet candy for a sweet girl.
Jack: (Pulls change out of pocket.) And here's some loose change for a l ... nevermind.
Jane: Thank you both. That's very thoughtful of you.
Jack: I'm a thoughtful person.
John: (Defensive.) Oh, well so am I!
Mom: Jane, what brings you to our happy home?
Jane: Well, I just baked a plate of cheese puffs and I came by to offer you some.
(Jack and John start devouring the cheese puffs.)
Jane: Would you like some, Mrs. Burke?
Mom: Oh, no thank you. I stopped eating several weeks ago.
Jane: Oh, I see.
(Jack and John spill cheese puffs on the floor.)
Mom: Jack! John! How many times do I have to tell you not to eat with your mouth full?
Mom: Now, look. You two have made a mess in front of Jane. What would your father say?
Father: Stop making a mess, you morons.
Jane: What was that?
Mom: What was what?
Jane: I thought I heard a voice.
Mom: Oh, that was just a flashback.
Jane: No, it sounded like it came from behind this curtain. (She pulls open the curtain and Father is tied to a chair. There is a microphone on a stand in front of him that he has been speaking into.) Mr. Burke!
Jack/John: Dad! (They run over and start hugging him.)
Father: (Into microphone.) Stop hugging me, you morons!
Jack: It's good to have you back, Dad.
John: It sure is!
Mom: I can't believe it, you're alive! And to think, you were right here behind this curtain the whole time!
Jane: Well, I've got to go.
Mom: Goodbye, Jane. And thanks for finding Mr. Burke.
Jane: Your welcome. Bye!
Mom: Well, here we are - a family once again. This calls for a celebration! Jack. John. Let's go have supper!
(Mom, Jack, and John run out leaving Father tied up on stage.)
Father: Untie me, you morons!!