(The scene opens with two young men arguing.)

John: Take it back, Jack!

Jack: No! I said it and I meant it! You're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean!

John: That's not true! Irish Spring is just as good ... and it's got a clean, fresh scent.

Jack: It's not as good as Zest.

(By now they are hitting each other.)

John: Is too!

Jack: Is not!

John: Is too!

Jack: John, Irish Spring leaves a film, Zest doesn't. That's all there is to it.

John: Oh yeah?

(John lunges at Jack and throws him to the ground. Now they are wrestling. Their mother walks in.)

Mom: (Disgusted) Oh, no! You're not having another fight over soap, are you?

(John and Jack get up and dust themselves off. They seem kind of embarassed.)

John: Yes, we were. But he said some pretty mean things about Irish Spring.

Mom: Well, I'm sure he didn't mean them.

Jack: (Muttering) Yes I did.

Mom: Jack! You know how your brother likes Irish Spring and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't make fun of it.

Jack: Yes, mam.

Mom: That's better! Look at the two of you - fighting over soap. Always fighting over something. What was it last time? Pain relievers! And before that: paper towels!

John: But Mom! (Pulls a paper towel from his pocket.) Bounty is the quicker picker upper.

Jack: (Pulls out a paper towel.) Mr. Big is better.

John: Is not!

Mom: (Shouting.) Stop it! Both of you! What would your father say about all of this fighting if he were alive?

(Voice is heard from offstage.)

Father: Stop fighting, you morons!

(The others kind of look around as if something strange had happened.)

Jack: I guess you're right, Mom.

Mom: Of course I'm right. Mother knows best.

John: But on TV, "Father knows best."

Mom: Well, your father's not around anymore so now I know best! All right?

Jack/John: Yes, mam.

Mom: You two try to keep busy. I've got to polish these shoes.

John: But, Mom, what are we going to do if we don't fight?

Mom: Why don't you two go sit on the couch and watch TV?

John: OK. But it's not as much fun since it stopped working.

Mom: Complain. Complain. That's all you do is complain. What would your father say about all of this complaining?

Father: Stop complaining, you morons.

(Jack and John watch the broken TV for about ten seconds. They start laughing at the TV even though it's not working.)

Mom: See, it's not so bad, is it?

John: No, I guess not.

Jack: Hey, Mom, what's for supper?

Mom: (Irritated.) What's for supper? What's for supper? It seems like every night, you want supper. You know, we could save a lot of money if you two would just stop eating like I have!

John: But everyone else gets to eat supper.

Mom: If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?

John: No, I'd probably go eat supper.

Mom: Well, we're not eating supper tonight! Besides, what would your father say about all this eating?

Father: Stop eating, you morons!

(There is a knock at the door.)

Mom: Oh, just great! I knew that as soon as we put in that door, people would start knocking on it. (She walks up to door. Trying to be pleasant.) Who is it?

Jane: It's Jane Wurzehhurtz.

John/Jack: Jane Wurzenhurtz!!!!

(They get up and start combing their hair and applying deodorant.)

Mom: (Opens the door.) Hello, Jane.

Jane: Hi, Mrs. Burke. Hi John. Hi Jack.

John: (Pulls a flower out of a nearby vase. Rushes to her side.) Jane! Here's a beautiful flower for a beautiful girl. (Pulls a handful of M&M's out of a bowl.) And some sweet candy for a sweet girl.

Jack: (Pulls change out of pocket.) And here's some loose change for a l ... nevermind.

Jane: Thank you both. That's very thoughtful of you.

Jack: I'm a thoughtful person.

John: (Defensive.) Oh, well so am I!

Mom: Jane, what brings you to our happy home?

Jane: Well, I just baked a plate of cheese puffs and I came by to offer you some.

Jack: Supper!

(Jack and John start devouring the cheese puffs.)

Jane: Would you like some, Mrs. Burke?

Mom: Oh, no thank you. I stopped eating several weeks ago.

Jane: Oh, I see.

(Jack and John spill cheese puffs on the floor.)

Mom: Jack! John! How many times do I have to tell you not to eat with your mouth full?

John: Sorry.

Mom: Now, look. You two have made a mess in front of Jane. What would your father say?

Father: Stop making a mess, you morons.

Jane: What was that?

Mom: What was what?

Jane: I thought I heard a voice.

Mom: Oh, that was just a flashback.

Jane: No, it sounded like it came from behind this curtain. (She pulls open the curtain and Father is tied to a chair. There is a microphone on a stand in front of him that he has been speaking into.) Mr. Burke!

Jack/John: Dad! (They run over and start hugging him.)

Father: (Into microphone.) Stop hugging me, you morons!

Jack: It's good to have you back, Dad.

John: It sure is!

Mom: I can't believe it, you're alive! And to think, you were right here behind this curtain the whole time!

Jane: Well, I've got to go.

Jack/John: Awwwwwwwwww!

Mom: Goodbye, Jane. And thanks for finding Mr. Burke.

Jane: Your welcome. Bye!

Mom: Well, here we are - a family once again. This calls for a celebration! Jack. John. Let's go have supper!

Jack/John: Hooray!!!!

(Mom, Jack, and John run out leaving Father tied up on stage.)

Father: Untie me, you morons!!

(Lights out.)