The Lost Episode of...
(Brady theme song plays. During the theme, each of the characters comes in holding his or her own "square" and takes their position. They all look up and down at each other just like the intro. Alice walks in with a square that has The Brady Bunch logo on it then pops it out and puts her head through as the center square. Then all characters run offstage.)
(Show begins and goofy little music plays. Greg is playing the guitar. Peter walks onstage.)
Peter: (Voice cracks throughout the entire episode.) Greg, I need to talk to you.
Greg: The name's not Greg. It's Johnny Bravo.
Peter: Not that again. Haven't you been taking your medication?
Peter: Well, anyway, I need some advice about a girl.
Greg: Ah, well, you've come to the right place. Johnny Bravo knows all about chicks.
Peter: Great! You see, I like this girl and I was wondering how I could get her to notice me.
Greg: Chicks dig an older man. Do you still have that mustache you used when we dressed you up as Phil Packard?
Peter: Yeah, but...
Greg: But nothing. Wear that mustache all the time. And if that doesn't work, try to get your own groovy pad.
Greg: Hey who is this fabulous babe?
Peter: It's Shelly Gorgenchuck.
Greg: Wow, she's far out. But you know who's the grooviest chick around?
Peter: Marsha? But she's our sister. Remember when our group somehow formed a family?
Greg: Yeah, but legally, we're not related.
Peter: What are you saying?
Greg: Just that Marsha and I are thinking of going steady. Maybe getting married and settling down in a cool pad.
Peter: You're crazy!
(Bobby walks in with a football. Tosses it to Greg.)
Bobby: Hey, guys, what's going on?
Peter: Johnny over there just said that you're sister may become your sister in law.
Bobby: What's that mean?
Peter: You figure it out. I've got to go find that mustache.
Bobby: Hey, Johnny, what was Peter talking about?
Greg: I'll tell you when you're older.
Bobby: You know everyone thinks I'm so little. I'll show you! Throw me a long pass.
(Greg tosses the football. Bobby tries to catch it but falls on Greg's guitar and lays there motionless.)
Greg: Hey! You just busted my guitar! It was a good try though. Maybe you're not as little as I thought. (Bobby just lays there.) Bobby? Bobby? (He rolls Bobby over. A hunk of guitar is sticking out of Bobby's chest.)
Bobby: (With his dying breath.) I think this is it, Greg. Everything's getting dark. I want you to have this. (He takes off his necklace - it's the island taboo!)
Greg: Not this thing! Bobby, this thing is an evil island taboo that brings bad fortune on all who possess it!
Bobby: Now you tell me.
Greg: We told you when we were in Hawaii!
Bobby: Oh yeah. Anyway, tell Cindy that I was the one that took Kitty Caryall. I just framed Tiger. Oh yeah, Greg, I hope you and Marsha are very happy together.
Greg: How did you know?
Bobby: It was pretty obvious. We all knew. Goodbye, Greg. Goodbye.
Greg: (Sobbing. Holding Bobby.) Why? Why? This is so un-groovy and non-far out. This all happened because I wanted to be Johnny Bravo. I just wanted to play my songs and have chicks dig me. I never wanted anyone dead. (Gets mean all of the sudden.) Well, maybe that quarterback for Clinton High, Jerry Rogers. That jerk used Marsha to get our playbook. I wouldn't care if he were dead. (Realizes he's holding his dead brother.) But not Bobby. Not Bobby! Curse you evil island taboo. Well, I guess you're already cursed. But curse you again. I'm sorry Bobby. I'm sorry!
(Lights come on. All the kids are in Greg's room.)
Greg: I called you all here because I have something very important to tell you, but it's kind of difficult...
(Marsha stands next to Greg and takes his arm.)
Marsha: I think what Greg is trying to say is that He and I are getting married.
Greg: No. That's not exactly...
Jan: Wait just a minute! Maybe I wanted to marry Greg. Why is it always Marsha? Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!
Marsha: Maybe it's because you're so ugly and unpopular.
Greg: Girls, please! You can have your little cat fight later. Right now, I have to tell you that your brother Bobby is... How can I explain this without upsetting Cindy? Cindy, right now Bobby has gone to that special place where Tiger went last year.
Cindy: We're having Bobby neutered?
Greg: No! Bobby is dead.
Peter: Quit kidding around Greg.
Greg: I'm not kidding. I'll prove it. (He opens the closet door and Bobby falls out.)
Marsha: Do Mom and Dad know?
Greg: No. And that's the way it's gonna stay. If they find out I killed Bobby, they'll ground me and they won't let me play in the big game Saturday.
Cindy: I've got to tell Mommy!
(She heads for the door. Peter steps in front of her.)
Peter: (Menacingly, holding a baseball bat in his hand.) Nobody likes a tattletale, Cindy.
(Cindy backs away from him cautiously.)
Marsha: Greg, how did it happen?
Greg: I'll show you. (Picks up the football.) We were playing football.
Jan: Mom always said "Don't play ball in the house."
Greg: (Loud and angry.) Don't you think I know that! Bobby wanted to go for a long pass so he ran to about where Peter is. I dropped back and threw. (He throws the ball, but it hits Marsha in the nose. She screams and runs from the room. Jan laughs.) Marsha! I'm sorry! (He starts to run after her, but steps on the idol. He picks it up.)
Peter: The evil island taboo!
Greg: Why don't we just get rid of this thing?
Peter: Good idea. But what we do about Bobby?
Greg: Well, just remember, if we keep Bobby out of sight, everything will be ... out of sight. Besides, it's got to be easier than hiding a goat. At least Bobby can't move.
Jan: That's true. But he smells just as bad.
(Just then Marsha enters with a clown nose. Jan points and laughs.)
Greg: Marsha! I'm glad to see that you're ... OK.
Marsha: Oh, Greg, I know a lot has happened to us. But we're still going to get married, aren't we?
Greg: Well, Marsha, you see, something suddenly came up.
Marsha: Oh, Greg! (She starts to sob. Jan laughs.)
(Alice's voice is heard offstage.)
Alice: Hey kids. Sam and I are going to the Meatcutter's Ball tonight (She opens the door.) so I won't be washing clothes until... (She sees Bobby and freezes. All the kids look up in horror.)
(Lights come on. Alice is tied up. Greg is putting a piece of tape over her mouth.)
Greg: (To the gang.) Peter will keep an eye on Alice. If anyone asks you where she is, just say that she's a little tied up.
(They laugh loud and long.)
Peter: (Still laughing.) Yeah. And if Mom or Dad ask what Alice is making for dinner, tell them she "maid" other plans.
(He starts to laugh at his joke. Everyone else stops.)
Greg: What's that supposed to mean?
Peter: (Awkwardly.) Just that Alice is a "maid" and so she "made" other plans.
Greg: Peter, you are so square. (Others laugh and point at Peter.) Just make sure she doesn't get away. Jan. Marsha. Help me drag Bobby out of here. We'll stuff him in the hall closet.
(They drag Bobby out and leave. Alice tries to speak but she can only make strange noises because of the tape.)
Peter: Stop that. (Alice continues to try to talk.) What is it? (She tries to signal him to take the tape off her mouth.) Look, if I take this tape off, you have to promise not to scream, all right. We'll just be real groovy, OK? (Alice nods.)
Alice: Thanks, Peter. Why don't you untie me?
Peter: Why should I?
Alice: I thought maybe I could go downstairs and make you your favorite meal.
Peter: You mean?
Alice: Yep ... pork chops and applesauce.
Peter: (Repeating it like Cary Grant.) Pork chops and applesauce.
Alice: Won't that be nice?
Peter: Huh? (Snaps back to reality.) Wait a minute. You're just messing with my mind. I can't let you go. Greg left me in charge!
Alice: Are you really in charge? It seems like you're just a pawn for Greg.
Peter: I am not.
Alice: He's just using you. Did you see how he made fun of you in front of the others? You're just his little monkey boy.
Peter: (Trying to cover his ears.) I am not! Shut up!
Alice: How does it feel to be Greg's little monkey boy? Huh, little monkey boy? (Makes noise like a monkey.)
Peter: (Screaming.) Shut up! I'm not a monkey! Shut up!
(Greg bursts into the room.)
Greg: What's going on in here? (Puts the tape back on Alice.) Mom and Dad are back from the Dittmeyers and they could have heard you. Cindy is down there with them right now.
(Lights out. Mike, Carol and Cindy walk on from the other side of the stage as the others leave. Lights on.)
Mike: Cindy, what's the matter with you? You're white as a ghost. Just like when you were on that TV game show and you choked in front of everybody. Boy, you really made a fool of yourself that day! (He starts laughing.)
Carol: Mike, don't be so hard on Cindy. She can't help it. She's ... special. Right, Cindy?
Cindy: I guess so.
Carol: Well, let's go check on the boys. I haven't seen Bobby in several days.
(Cindy steps in front of them.)
Cindy: (Nervously.) Don't go near the hall closet! I mean ... maybe Bobby just got lost and we could search for him in places other than the hall closet.
Mike: That's a good idea, Cindy. See, you're not as dumb as the others say. (They start to walk around making Grand Canyon shouts.) Bobby!
Cindy: Mom, I'm right here.
Cindy: You don't have to shout my name, Mom. I'm right here!
Cindy: I'm right beside you! (Shakes Carol.) Don't you see me!
Carol: I'm sorry dear. Mike, we've searched everywhere that isn't a hall closet and there's still no sign of Bobby or Cindy.
(Cindy screams and runs off.)
Mike: You're right dear, maybe we SHOULD check that hall closet.
Carol: That's why you're the architect!
(They walk off. Marsha has overheard them from the other side of the stage. She buzzes Greg on the walkie-talkie. Greg walks in on the other side of the stage.)
Marsha: (Into walkie-talkie.) Johnny Bravo. Come in Johnny Bravo. This is Mrs. Dentist.
Greg: Go ahead Mrs. Dentist.
Marsha: Mom and Dad are heading for the closet.
Greg: All right. It's time for operation X-Files.
Greg: (Goes mental.) Did you say Jerry Rogers?
Marsha: No, I just said "roger". People say it all the time on walkie-talkies.
Greg: Oh. I hope for your sake you're telling the truth. Over and out.
(Marsha walks off. Mom and dad walk in.)
Mike: He probably just locked himself in the closet again. We'll just make sure...
(Just then Greg shines his flashlight UFO on the wall and makes the strange whistling noise.)
Carol: Honey, look at that!
(They step away from the closet. Jan and Marsha sneak over, grab Bobby and drag him offstage.)
Mike: Come on, let's get our binoculars and our camera. (They run off stage.)
(Sam walks out.)
Sam: Hello. Is anyone home? It's me, Sam. I brought you the pork chops you ordered. Hello? (He walks off.)
(Lights out. Peter and Alice take the stage. Alice is still tied up. Peter is kind of sleeping. Lights on.)
Peter: (Dreaming.) I'm not a monkey boy...
(Sam is heard offstage.)
Sam: Hello? Alice? (Alice moans. Sam walks in.) Alice! What's going on here? (Peter wakes up. Sam doesn't see him sneak up from behind. Sam walks over to Alice and removes the tape.)
Alice: Sam, look behind you.
(Sam turns and is struck by Peter's club. Alice screams. He tumbles to the ground but gets right back up.)
Peter: (He moves and speaks in slow motion.) I'm not a monkey boy!
(Peter lunges again and swings the club. Sam ducks and the whacks Peter on the side of the head with a pork chop. Peter drops to the ground unconscious. All of this is in slow motion.)
Sam: What's going on?
Alice: You just saved my life, Sam.
(Oliver jumps out.)
Oliver: Aha! Sam, I knew you were a secret agent!
(Sam smacks him with the pork chop, knocking him out.)
Alice: Why did you knock out Oliver?
Sam: That little twerp really bugs me.
(Mike and Carol rush in.)
Mike: Alice! Sam! What's going on in here?
(Just then Jan and Marsha drag Bobby in.)
Marsha: Greg, we didn't know what to do with the body and it's starting to attract flies... (She stops when she sees Mike and Carol.)
Carol: It looks like someone has a lot of explaining to do.
Mike: But hurry up! There's a flying saucer outside!
(Greg walks in.)
Greg: There's no flying saucer! I was trying to distract you so you wouldn't find Bobby's body. That's why we had to tie up Alice too.
Mike: Greg, I'm disappointed in you.
Carol: We're disappointed in all of you.
(All the kids gather around to get the lesson for the week.)
Mike: Greg, I'm upset that you killed your brother. But I'm more upset that you didn't feel you could come to us and talk about it.
Greg: I was just so worried that you would ground me and I wouldn't get to play in the big game.
Carol: Greg, if you know what you did was wrong, that's more important than any punishment we could give you.
Mike: That's right. You know, Greg, I killed my brother when I was a boy about your age. Those things happen. But you should have told us. It's unsanitary to have Bobby just lying around the house. OK?
Greg: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Carol: Well, let's try to put all of this behind us. We'll go out for ice cream!
Kids: Hooray! (They all run off except Mike and Greg.)
Mike: Hey, Greg. You're going to have to show a little more responsibility if you're going to marry Marsha.
Greg: How did you know?
Mike: Well, it was pretty obvious. Now, come on, let's get some ice cream. (He puts his arm around Greg's shoulder.)
Greg: All right, Dad.
(Lights out. Brady's come back on with their squares. Bobby is slumped over dead in his. Lights come on. Closing music plays. Lights out.)