|Q: What is MWSTAFFO's taste in women? (Fanny in Detroit)
A: MWSTAFFO loves all the ladies and does not discriminate as long as they are foxy. He does especially like a woman who isn't afraid to shake both her booty and her groove thing. Note, however, that MWSTAFFO is intimidated by any lady with hair higher than his own.
|Q: Having a good amount of hair myself (approx.
height 8-10"), I was wondering if MWSTAFFO had any advice to make it through
these rough dog days of summer? My gorgeous locks can really take a beating
with all the humidity! (Tommy from Tuscaloosa)
A: Conditioner, conditioner, conditioner!
|Q: How does MWSTAFFO feel about interleague play?
Is he a traditionalist or a capitalist? (L. Poulsbo - Pensacola, FL)
A: MWSTAFFO is very much in favor of interleague play. He does not believe in segregation of any kind and he wishes that everyone could "get together and get down" regardless of race, religion, or creed.
|Q: Is it true that MWSTAFFO is really the 'Last
Don'? I thought I read somewhere that he changed his name in the last decade,
and it used to be Donny. (Wondering in Wallah Wallah, WA)
A: MWSTAFFO's real name is one of the most heavily guarded secrets surrounding the enigmatic funkmeister. However, one unauthorized biography has stated that MWSTAFFO did indeed change his name, but that it was not Donny, but Regis. MWSTAFFO has publicly denied this on many occasions.
|Q: A burning question on everyone's mind I've
spoken with is, is the elusive MWSTAFFO married, and if so, who's the lucky
gal? (Curious in Opposum Corpse, AL)
A: MWSTAFFO has always been a bachelor except for his brief and stormy marriage to Suzanne Somers in the late 80's.
|Q: MWSTAFFO has a very athletic look about him.
Did he ever play for the Cubs, or win the decathlon in the 70's or something?
(T. Bullard - Flat Rock, IN)
A: You are very observant. MWSTAFFO did win the Olympic decathlon in 1976, but was stripped of his medal when his hair tested positive for performance enhancing substances. As for the Cubs, MWSTAFFO does not deny playing for them, although it seems unlikely given his disdain for caps, baseball or otherwise.
|Q: Is MWSTAFFO currently "available"? (Alone
A: Yes it is - Bold. Precocious. Tangy. Somewhere between history and mystery lies MWSTAFFO, the new cologne for a man or a woman. Available now at finer stores in forty-nine states. Sorry Tennessee.
|Q: This being opening week of Major League Baseball,
has MWSTAFFO ever performed on opening day, and if so, how did his hair
hold up? (J. Shlablonsky - Detroit, MI)
A: MWSTAFFO has performed on opening day, but not for Major League Baseball. In 1978, he threw out the first gouda at the National Cheese Rodeo. Because of a financial dispute, however, his hair chose not to perform. The two reunited several months later at Oklahoma's famous Boot Days Festival and have been groovin' together ever since.
|Q: Is Tom Hanks a multiple personality of MWSTAFFO
or are you two just brothers? (W. Pembroke - Santa Fe, NM)
A: On the advice of his attorneys, MWSTAFFO will not discuss his relationship to Mr. Hanks until the dispute over the ownership of the thoroughbred "Run Forrest Run" has been settled in civil court in the state of California.
|Q: Why is it that MWSTAFFO has BIG hair on some
days and what some call "normal" hair on other days? (J. Wilberson - Buffalo
A: Like all astronomical bodies, MWSTAFFO's hair is affected by the gravitational pull of other large bodies such as the moon (and recently the Hale-Bopp comet) creating a "tidal" effect that accounts for cyclical differences in hair height and position. However, few have ever considered MWSTAFFO's hair "normal" and those that have done so were institutionalized long ago.
|Q: We were wondering if MWSTAFFO can be booked
for wedding rehearsal dinners? (M. & L. Frumbucket - Knaw Bone, IN)
A: MWSTAFFO is indeed available for weddings, bachelorette parties, and bar-mitzvahs. However, you should realize that the only thing he will do at your gathering is strut around in a very funky manner, occasionally stopping to "shake his booty". You should also know that, traditionally, MWSTAFFO will not work for money but only for fresh fish (or possibly other types of seafood).
|Q: If MWSTAFFO fell in the woods and nobody was
around to hear him, would he make a sound? (A. Parson - Tuscaloosa, AL)
A: This is a difficult question that will be debated by philosophers and scholars throughout the ages, but I would have to say yes. He would make kind of a crunching noise followed by a series of pitiful yelps until help arrived.
|Q: Is MWSTAFFO a pimp? (M. Drybeck - Des Moines,
A: Absolutely not. MWSTAFFO may dress differently than you and I, but that's only because he is so funky. He does not condone pimping or pimp-related activities of any kind.
|Q: How high is MWSTAFFO's hair and how does it
stay up like that? (L. Neeman - San Jose, CA)
A: Scientists estimate that MWSTAFFO's hair may be as high as four inches in places. It remains vertical because of a bizarre childhood accident involving a beaker of radioactive water and an industrial steam press.