Extra! Extra! Extra!
Aliens Defeated by Earth's Freedom Fighters!
(Source: New York Times)
|The alien invasion was met with courage by a rag-tag group of freedom fighters. Armed only with toy plastic guns, the freedom fighters were the earth's last defense against the horrible alien menace.||Fighting broke out between the freedom fighters and the purple-robed alien space zombies in what was dubbed the "War of the Worlds". The aliens even tried to frighten the freedom fighters with a zombie dressed to look like Darth Vader. It didn't work. The alien zombies were dealt a crushing defeat.||Just then the alien mothership descended from the heavens, escorted by an entire squadron of fighter ships. It hung in the sky like a giant silver pizza. There was a strange light emanating from a hole in the center of the craft. The world looked on in horror. What could be done to stop this terrible vessel of doom?|
|Strategic Air Command takes control of the situation. After studying all the data, an important call is placed to the President. He assures the nation and the world that there is no need to worry. First of all, the Air Forces of the world have been called in and will be ready if needed. Second, the spaceship is only about seven feet across.||As millions of people looked on, an attack was made on the Empire State Building. Earth was powerless to stop it. Never before had such brutality been witnessed on this planet. Fortunately, it was only a jigsaw puzzle model of the Empire State Building, so people weren't that upset about it.||The final blow to the aliens took place in a top secret government laboratory in Area 51. An alien body was recovered and an autopsy was performed to determine if the aliens had any weakness. It wasn't long before scientists determined that the smell of grilled Spam was fatal to the aliens. Everyone around the world had a great Spam cookout, decimating the alien force. Those that survived fled the planet in defeat.|
Let this glorious victory serve as a reminder
that the people of the earth will not be intimidated by aliens of any kind.
We have plenty of Spam and we are not afraid to use it. Today, we celebrate
our Independence Day!